Wanderings in the Golden desert.

7.9.2017, End of Day 1, Jaisalmer, 1:36 am

As we checked into our hotel rooms, after about 15 hours of tiring train journey in blistering heat, my mind and body revolted against the tiredness, and my heart pumped with excitement with the anticipation of our upcoming journey and day, and the things which we were about to explore.

“Let me lose myself in this golden city,

Amongst the golden sand dunes,

And the melody of the folk tunes,

To be intoxicated with the spirit of music”

This is my first day of volunteering with Anahad foundation, a non-profit organization targeted towards upliftment and conserving the intangible heritage of the folk singers of Jaisalmer. As someone said, real talent is found in these dingy by-lanes, and in this case, it’s hidden in this medieval city, and its golden sand dunes.

So we began our day, seven of us packed in a Tavera, with all our equipment, on our way to Sam, a small settlement about 40kms from Jaisalmer, where we met the artist, Bagga Khan, fondly known as Bagge, of the Manganiyar community of Rajasthan. Manganiyars are Muslim communities in Sindh and Rajasthan areas and are famous for their classical folk music. Over the next couple of hours, Bagga Khan and his group members explained the nuances of their music, their singing style, and the various ragas. As Bagge Khan explained, members of his community were basically singers in the royal court, and their music genre mainly comprises of  Bhajans and Sufi songs. These bhajans are based on verses composed by famous mystics like Meerabai and Kabeer.

We recorded two songs sung by Bagga Khan and his group : “Maan khero laavo leeje” by Joshi Tulsa, and “paapi milijo pachaas” based on Kabeer’s couplets. Both these songs, left us spell bounded and mesmerized. Played on simple instruments like “Tandura” and Harmonium, both songs speak about humanity and love. Most of these songs are composed in “Chautaal” or a 4 beat cycle. As Bagge Khan quotes the famous poet Bulle Shah “Love is of two types, one is the unending love for Allah and one is the love which we share with each other”. And this love can be best expressed through music, as Shakespeare said “If music be the food for love, Play on”.

While explaining why music is the most powerful thing in the world, Bagge Khan says that even the highest King, will bow down and shake his head with the rhythmic melody of a song. The whole conversation with Bagge Khan reflected his passion towards folk music, which has been a tradition in his family since centuries, and his group members wish that their future generations also carry forward this tradition. So far, Bagge Khan has performed in many places in India and abroad but cites Kolkata as his favorite city to perform in India, and Paris if we talk about the western counterparts. The whole experience of interviewing and recording these artists overwhelmed us, and I wondered on the fact that why such talent is still unnoticed and hidden from the eyes of the mainstream audience.

In the evening, we met the Prince Chaitanya Raj of Jaisalmer and discussed about the various tangible and intangible heritage aspects of Jaisalmer fort. As per Chaitanya, the Government wants the occupants of the fort to vacate it. Jaisalmer fort is the only “living fort” in the world, as people have been living inside this fort since centuries and it is still inhabited by the descendants of these people. Even though UNESCO enlists Jaisalmer Fort as one of the world heritage sites, there have been no substantial conservation work in the past years. Conservation, in broader sense, not only means conservation of the bricks, building and material, but it also means conservation of the social fabric, which was the whole agenda of our meeting with Chaitanya. As Jawaharlal Nehru says in Discovery of India, that India is like a palimpsest, over which layers and layers of thoughts and reverie has been inscribed, so is the case of Jaisalmer fort, in which generations have been living since centuries, and the mere thought of uprooting the inhabitants from their livelihoods is enraging for them. Therefore, the question is, how can we actually document the activities inside the fort by carrying out an extensive household survey which will be actually helpful for the Government.

As we carried out these serious discussions, we couldn’t help but admire the pizzas served to us in this rooftop restaurant which is being run by an Italian lady.

This is the land of ruins, life, food, music and love.

Today’s whole experience has enriched me and has added to my knowledge base greatly, as a student of Carnatic music myself, I can’t help admire and relate to anything connected with classical music. And this is the real music which we intend to preserve in Anahad, and to provide a platform for these artists who have been engaged in this since centuries. The coming days will hopefully enfold many more dimensions and possibilities of these folk artists, as we attempt to document and understand their livelihoods better.

In the end, I would like to quote a couplet from Bagge Khan’s song:

                                     “Maan khero laavo leeje, mili nahi baaram-baar” 

               Life as a human is precious and one should use it to the fullest, as “life as a human” is granted only once.

              In other words, you only live once, so go out, explore, live and lead a fulfilling life.

             

Wanderings of an Insomniac mind !

“To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Why do Indian parents have such insane expectations from their children ? Its true that Indian society is regressive towards women, but have you ever wondered the kind of pressures the men have to face ? Not exactly an easy life. 

One fine day, as i saw "Dear Zindagi" on my laptop, i was wondering, each one of us have faced a similar situation in life. Then they say that parenting is a difficult job. 
I have always been a meritorious student, an ideal one, hardly rebellious, never came home drunk, never stepped into a disco for that matter. Yet, all i have received is cold stares and more expectations with pickled ounces of appreciation thrown in. I self financed my Masters degree just because my father was against it. I have understood one thing in life, that at times in life, or mostly, you have to be brutally selfish, if you have to follow your dreams. 

And being a Professor was one of my dreams. Though my parents never totally accepted it. Typical tambrahm parents want their son to be working in a MNC, sadly folks, that was not the story. It has been barely 3 years since i started working after Masters and yet, parents expect you to earn in lakhs every month. At times, its so difficult to convince them. 
But when your parents have insane expectations, its because they have struggled all their lives to make you who you are. Agreed, but haven't we struggled too ? Struggled to fulfill their expectations, only to be weighed down by more demands, comparisons with "Sharma ji ka beta" or in this case, "Mani mama odu payyan...! "   

Maybe i sound harsh, but in today's world, parents shouldn't have kids unless they are financially sound for life. This is one thing i like about western society, parents don't expect from their children and vice versa.   
By the time, you are able to fulfill your parents expectations, half your life would have already passed, considering the average life expectancy is 60. And stuck in this whole loop of expectations are your passions which are killed, and your sorrows which are hidden, and a life which you never wanted. 
Luckily, i chose to pursue what i wanted, and i am doing a pretty good job !! (My students should agree :P ) Despite the fact that it doesn't fetch substantial amount of money to keep my parents happy, as long as i am happy doing it, nothing else matters. At times, there is a need for self validation which one must do. Studies, job,career, salary, marriage, isnt life more than just these words ?
I have been lucky and courageous enough to go against my parents wishes in almost everything. 
I became an Architect, they wanted me to become a Doctor. 
They wanted a corporate job, i became a Professor. 
They wanted me to marry, and i chose to stay single, not to spite them, but because the idea of marriage irritates me. 

So, i am close to 30, and nowhere close to settling down, and frankly speaking, i don't care. You have only one life,and you can afford to be selfish. That is precisely why i advise my students to stay away from home, at least in the younger years of their life. This is the age to explore. To roam, to try something and to fail, and to try again. So get out of your comfortable pamper zone, and explore the world. At times, staying away from home is healthy. 

My neighbors advise me sometimes, not that its their business, but Indian neighbors are nosy. In fact, some of them have such long noses that you could hang a months laundry on them. So, this one aunty advised me, why don't you stay at home with your parents and find a job in Delhi ? They are old, and they need you. My dear aunty jee, just because i like staying independently, that does not mean that i don't love my parents. Not to mention that i hate Delhi like anything. 
Another aunty jee had the guts to ask my dad that how much percentage of my salary i send home to my parents. Dear aunty jee, again, its none of your business, but i do help them financially whenever i can and at times i don't, because i like spending on myself and buying myself things which make me happy, or rather spending on things or hobbies, which my parents could never afford when i was a kid.  
But yes, Dear Indian Parents, my sincere advise to you is to stop burdening your kids with your insane expectations, do not break them, encourage them, do not kill their dreams but nourish them. Your kids are not piggy banks for your old age. You should have thought about your old age when you decided to conceive them. And if you decide to conceive them, give them a comfortable life, both monetarily and morally. People say that relationships become toxic after a point of time. I wonder if the same applies to a parent child relationship too. 
Again, i would like to quote from my favorite book: The Bell Jar, as i end this post. 


“What do you have in mind after you graduate?"

What I always thought I had in mind was getting some big scholarship to graduate school or a grant to study all over Europe, and then I thought I'd be a professor and write books of poems or write books of poems and be an editor of some sort. Usually I had these plans on the tip of my tongue.

"I don't really know," I heard myself say. I felt a deep shock, hearing myself say that, because the minute I said it, I knew it was true.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar 

So leave your children free from your own ambitions, and let them pursue and build their own life. 

 

Back to Square One !!

  Well, the past one year has been sort of a mixed pickle, served with enough chillies and hot sauces good enough to burn you inside out.
The city hasn't been that kind to me, and neither has God been grateful, but one can only sit, try and make things happen, change things, modify them, or just give up.
Coping with insomnia, immense stress and cluster headaches, has made me more stronger and weak at the same time. People say that "This too shall pass", but when ? That is the question.
3 years back, when i was touring Europe as a DAAD scholar, i would have hardly imagined that life would come to be so stagnant and mundane. Yet, this is life, one day you are in the streets of Paris, soaking the beautiful views, and one day you are locked inside your house, due to the tiff between the landlord and the caretaker. The ordeals didn't end here. Sleeplessness has been a constant companion since an year.
A wonderful year, and also a particularly bad one, i must say. Getting rejected for a Phd position in Germany, that too after interview, was like the starting blow, and it has only gotten worse. To see your dreams being crushed by a mere email is disheartening, enough to lose your confidence, but here i am, standing again, back to fight.
April was a pleasant month in Bhopal, because i was away from it for about a week, to my favorite place and people: Manipal. I sang for Palm Sunday during the holy Week in Christ Church once again. People were happy to meet me, and so was I. I felt wanted and needed in Manipal, and equally rejected, yet wanted by few in Bhopal. Bhopal experience has been an unpleasant one, not due to the place, but the people. People who don't care about other's time, who don't respect YOUR time, and label you as impatient instead of owing up to their mistakes. Though i don't want to generalize, and it would be wrong, but that is the way i encountered things. Not to mention, a lousy rented accommodation, with a careless care-taker, one who swindled me of my security deposit.
A strange tiredness and weariness is overwhelming me as i write this. After i finished my contract, i had a wonderful time at a wedding in Jaipur and thereafter in Tirthan Valley in Himachal. The best thing about the hills is they make you lose yourself, and help you reconnect. I was mostly quite during the whole tour. It was soothing to the nerves to listen to the silence of my heart. As Sylvia Plath says: "I am ...I am... I am."
After coming back home, i saw my mother in the hospital for the first time, weak and vulnerable. She had a surgery for gall bladder stone removal. You always think that parents are so strong, yet forget that they need us, as much as we need them. I doubt whether when i am at her age, i would be able to take as much as she has. What a wonderful, hard working woman. And here i am, cribbing about the most trivial things.
People say that inner peace comes from inside, Balls, easier said than done.
So once again, i am jobless, waiting for another interview, and counting on God, while being persistent in my efforts, "God has a Plan, and his plan is perfect".
Over the past one year, i have struggled with myself, my faith, my well-being, and considered going for therapy many times. Yet, things have been so busy that there is no time for that either. Not to mention the financial crunch that hits you when you haven't been exactly able to save. (Not to forget, that one cannot really save in these times unless you have a great package).
But i realized, financial crunch is last on my mind. I have never been materialistic.I focus on things which bought me joy, like my weekends in Bhopal, when i used to go for carnatic singing classes. My singing has considerably improved and i have to thank Mrs. Shantha Iyer for that. What a lady !

So once again, even though life is back to square one, lets not forget that there is always light at the other end of the tunnel. And "this too shall pass".

Am i more determined than ever ? Maybe, but at the same time, a little disappointed with life, with not being able to help my family much.

But its necessary to take a break in life, instead of haphazardly doing things. The break will help you to rejuvenate and reconnect and focus. At the same time, its upto us, how we utilize this time in a creative and accomplished manner.
So here i am, ready to take on more challenges, more rejections, more lousy people, and hope i am able to look at life once in its face and say "Fuck you !! I will emerge as a Winner". :D

January Verses

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


As i stumbled upon this quote once more, i realized that this quote gives me a certain calculated amount of gloom and a measured amount of happiness too. Gloom, because each day i fight to prove myself and happiness because i survived. 

The new city has embraced me with all its might, but have i been able to embrace this city as my own ? I cannot say for sure, with each passing moment, and each new face, i miss Manipal life more. 
People ask me to move on, but is it that easy ? 
I realized that at times, its okay not to embrace the place where you are living, but we shouldn't negate and deny it either, the midway is adjustment. The peace, the aesthetics of this city of Lakes, at times is suffocating. 
As much as slow pace irritates me to the core, i embrace it with equal delight too. 

The department is new, the students are new, students still look upto me and are perhaps comfortable with me. Yet, things have changed. The faces are changed. Even though i have a lot of fun, the question here to ask is, is one fully capable of filling that small vacuum inside one's heart ?
One lifetimes will not be enough. 

Yet we live on, carry on, day after day and night after night. Boredom is inevitable. 
Carnatic practices although are a boon, and in a way helps keep me alive, but it comes with its own dose of inevitable irritation as well. Often when its difficult to adjust to a pitch of C-Sharp from A-Sharp and so on. 

In my cabin, behind my chair, i have put up a paper with the words "This too shall Pass" printed in bold. Something which i live by. This too shall Pass and there will be a change soon. Well...hopefully. 
I really have no answer to people who ask me: Don't you like Bhopal ?
Well, liking depends on how much you engage yourself and what you are looking for.
And as i move on from city to city, faces will change, rented accommodations will change.
Maybe its happening inside my head.

 I fancied you'd return the way you said, 
But I grow old and I forget your name. 
(I think I made you up inside my head.).

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

An end of an Era.

It truly was..end of an Era, end of a beautiful chapter called Manipal, about the circumstances when everything came to an abrupt end, i shall not go into details, but everyone perhaps knows by now. If this is what happens to hard working teachers, God knows what lies ahead and how many chapters i have to see.

Well, it was difficult coping up and to realise that the only world you knew for the entire two years has come to a halt, an abrupt end, an end to the honey heavy dew of slumber and suddenly you wake up cursing God and everything and everyone around you. But, as well said by Maria in The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". Well, in this case, i am waiting for that window to be opened, and finally ready for some blessings which aren't in disguise.

Music was the only thing which kept me going throughout this past semester, choir people were surprised, a professor joining the church choir ? Well..that was new, and moreover, the choir director is one of my own favorite students, :D
A greater part of the semester went in practising for the Holy Week, and i thoroughly enjoyed, it gave me a new family full of lovely friends for a lifetime, whom i shall continue to love forever.
And i discovered music, and the joy of worship.
But as they say, all good things come to an end, and so this too came to an end, my life in the church choir, and my training as a Carnatic singer, both. I still fail to realize the face where i went wrong, and i can only conclude that i wasnt.

So, anyway, i am writing this perhaps after months, and i dedicate this to my students who have been constantly supportive throughout these two years, even though i was senior in age, i could connect to them well, and they, to me.
How often does a student check on their professors ? whether they are doing well personally or not ?
I never did.
But my students did it for me.

I never believed in the pre-conceived notions about the hierarchy gap between professors and students, and i gave my fullest, and the students know that.
The last month was filled with numerous meetings, goodbyes, dinners with students and what not. But all for good.

Even though times were really , really hard, i was engaged in one activity or the other. The students made sure i met them for a long time before i left. Church people gave me a farewell. In tough times, all one needs is moral support and to be loved.

By all means, Manipal will always be a part of my heart , and although right now it feels like what Lord Voldemort might have felt when one of his horcruxes was destroyed, but i will be okay, It will all be fine. One can only console oneself by saying that everything happens for good and betterment.

If you don't accept changes easily, you can never make good memories...and so i move on...from IIT Roorkee, to Auroville, to Germany, To Manipal...and from here, God knows where.

But i shall find new horizons to explore and new students to guide, but you will be missed Manipal.
And the students at Faculty of Architecture: you will be missed too immensely.
Christ Church people, there is not even one day when i dont remember you all, keep me in your prayers.

And before this goes over sentimental, i shall conclude it by saying
Psalm 91: My God, in Him i will Trust.

And before this gets too long, i shall distract myself by watching another episode of Game of Thrones, for there is more to life than just working and earning.
So there it is: I am officially jobless and loving it and hating it equally.

:D

Manipal Diaries

2^nd August 2015

Manipal

Happy Friendship day…!

As I write this down, after probably months, I dedicate this blog to my students, who have been studious, caring, mischievous, hard-working and of course sincere.

This July 10, I completed my one year as an Assistant Professor in Faculty of Architecture at Manipal university, Manipal, even the name has a sweet ring to it….and its beautiful in monsoons. When I look back now, and when people ask me if I really wanted to be in teaching, somehow I tell them “yes”. “this is what I want to be, surrounded by knowledge, and young people who keep you young”. I also tell them that its all a work of “genes”, my mother has been a teacher all her life.

Yes, there are moments of distress, being a professor isn’t that easy, I have to be fair, friendly and be a disciplinarian at the same time, and unbiased to students. It hurts when you have to fail a student for poor performance, or yell at them for not being silent enough to hear your lectures, but in the end, you get to learn. After all, in this strange city, students are the first ones who made me feel at home. I had heard a lot about Manipal students before coming here: “Do not expect respect from them” or things like “spoilt brats” or the “typical manipal stereotype”. But all that was utter rubbish…

The students have been good in every way, just that you have to deal with them and do your job sincerely, while my co-faculty label me as being “too-friendly” or “too-open” with the students, honestly I ask you, specially the young breed of professors who have just joined, “weren’t you at the other side of the table just an year ago?” Who gives the right to inflict this blatant ego on others? Everyone has their own ways of dealing with the students, in the end, you have to educate them and make them do their work…to learn..to acquire knowledge.

The past one year has taught me one thing, “We cannot earn respect by force”. But sadly, for some people, wisdom is something which never comes to them in their entire lives. Just last week, I was watching “Mona Lisa Smile” starring Julia Roberts, maybe for a zillionth time. But what a movie!! Now that I am at the other side of the table, I can relate to it more.

So..even though there are lot of “labels” here…! “too friendly” too open or whatever, I don’t care. And moreover, at the end of the day, I am happy being myself and the realization that with enough courage, you can do without a reputation.

So here it is… a fresh blog entry..and I hope to write more frequently now.

So the students, on their way to become architects, All the best !! J Cheers J

And even though, it is hectic…! I love it…for the time being J

Jumbled Reflections on Paper !!

10^th  December 2014

Ghaziabad

After one long semester of being a professor, I am finally home for vacations, yet I realize, this might be the longest period in 3 years that I would be living at my home. The December chills setting in, and the fresh aroma of filter coffee made by mother, this is what heaven feels like in all its beauty.

I realized how small and inanimate things do play an important role in our lives. I went upstairs into my room, and saw the discarded old file cabinet, handed over to me by dad who no longer needed it in his office. I looked at the room closely ….have some things changed ? I guess not.

The room , which has witnessed my aspirations and frustrations, and my sleepless and drunken nights , trying hard to make a good design submission, the room has seen my fights, has seen me cry in times of despair, yet it is the only thing which has remained silent all this time. I happened to see my dusty old drawings, old textbooks, and old notes which appear to be remarkably fresh, since 2005, when I started my architecture course.

Once filled with so many aspirations and dreams , it seems that the room has attained a certain state of calmness, just like me. It has seen me grow as a person from 2003 , when I was 16 to now, when I am 27.There were times when I would just sit on the terrace in front of it, wondering what to do next. And whether to go for Masters is a good choice or not. Yet today, when I realize, for me, it was the den from which the roars of my dreams originated.

It’s true that I miss home, miss being in my room all night long..staying awake. Though I still stay awake at nights, the reasons are arguably different now. So many persons who have been a part of this den are now loved and lost, and might never come back again.

Once painted and adorned with all my arts and graffiti, the walls of this are now a bare white or bluish, maybe mocking at how some things never grow old as humans do. The stained glass art, which I had drawn at the window, is faint, and has become lighter by the weather and the sun and rains.

The past three years have been wonderful, with travelling to numerous destinations, and numerous places. Roorkee, Auroville, Pondicherry, Germany and now Karnataka. Yet, what I miss the most is my colorful den, where a piece of my heart has attached itself to the dust on my old drawings and the yellowish tinge of the old papers.

Maybe its not the right time to be philosophical, but the urge to write was persuading me again and again, to revisit my old self, who is now perhaps hidden forever in that file cabinet, never to be revealed….!! It almost seems like the room is echoing Sylvia Plath’s lines to me:

“I am silver and exact, I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see, I swallow immediately

Unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful”

Is this what being 27 and a grown up adult should feel like ?