An end of an Era.

It truly was..end of an Era, end of a beautiful chapter called Manipal, about the circumstances when everything came to an abrupt end, i shall not go into details, but everyone perhaps knows by now. If this is what happens to hard working teachers, God knows what lies ahead and how many chapters i have to see.

Well, it was difficult coping up and to realise that the only world you knew for the entire two years has come to a halt, an abrupt end, an end to the honey heavy dew of slumber and suddenly you wake up cursing God and everything and everyone around you. But, as well said by Maria in The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". Well, in this case, i am waiting for that window to be opened, and finally ready for some blessings which aren't in disguise.

Music was the only thing which kept me going throughout this past semester, choir people were surprised, a professor joining the church choir ? Well..that was new, and moreover, the choir director is one of my own favorite students, :D
A greater part of the semester went in practising for the Holy Week, and i thoroughly enjoyed, it gave me a new family full of lovely friends for a lifetime, whom i shall continue to love forever.
And i discovered music, and the joy of worship.
But as they say, all good things come to an end, and so this too came to an end, my life in the church choir, and my training as a Carnatic singer, both. I still fail to realize the face where i went wrong, and i can only conclude that i wasnt.

So, anyway, i am writing this perhaps after months, and i dedicate this to my students who have been constantly supportive throughout these two years, even though i was senior in age, i could connect to them well, and they, to me.
How often does a student check on their professors ? whether they are doing well personally or not ?
I never did.
But my students did it for me.

I never believed in the pre-conceived notions about the hierarchy gap between professors and students, and i gave my fullest, and the students know that.
The last month was filled with numerous meetings, goodbyes, dinners with students and what not. But all for good.

Even though times were really , really hard, i was engaged in one activity or the other. The students made sure i met them for a long time before i left. Church people gave me a farewell. In tough times, all one needs is moral support and to be loved.

By all means, Manipal will always be a part of my heart , and although right now it feels like what Lord Voldemort might have felt when one of his horcruxes was destroyed, but i will be okay, It will all be fine. One can only console oneself by saying that everything happens for good and betterment.

If you don't accept changes easily, you can never make good memories...and so i move on...from IIT Roorkee, to Auroville, to Germany, To Manipal...and from here, God knows where.

But i shall find new horizons to explore and new students to guide, but you will be missed Manipal.
And the students at Faculty of Architecture: you will be missed too immensely.
Christ Church people, there is not even one day when i dont remember you all, keep me in your prayers.

And before this goes over sentimental, i shall conclude it by saying
Psalm 91: My God, in Him i will Trust.

And before this gets too long, i shall distract myself by watching another episode of Game of Thrones, for there is more to life than just working and earning.
So there it is: I am officially jobless and loving it and hating it equally.

:D

Manipal Diaries

2^nd August 2015

Manipal

Happy Friendship day…!

As I write this down, after probably months, I dedicate this blog to my students, who have been studious, caring, mischievous, hard-working and of course sincere.

This July 10, I completed my one year as an Assistant Professor in Faculty of Architecture at Manipal university, Manipal, even the name has a sweet ring to it….and its beautiful in monsoons. When I look back now, and when people ask me if I really wanted to be in teaching, somehow I tell them “yes”. “this is what I want to be, surrounded by knowledge, and young people who keep you young”. I also tell them that its all a work of “genes”, my mother has been a teacher all her life.

Yes, there are moments of distress, being a professor isn’t that easy, I have to be fair, friendly and be a disciplinarian at the same time, and unbiased to students. It hurts when you have to fail a student for poor performance, or yell at them for not being silent enough to hear your lectures, but in the end, you get to learn. After all, in this strange city, students are the first ones who made me feel at home. I had heard a lot about Manipal students before coming here: “Do not expect respect from them” or things like “spoilt brats” or the “typical manipal stereotype”. But all that was utter rubbish…

The students have been good in every way, just that you have to deal with them and do your job sincerely, while my co-faculty label me as being “too-friendly” or “too-open” with the students, honestly I ask you, specially the young breed of professors who have just joined, “weren’t you at the other side of the table just an year ago?” Who gives the right to inflict this blatant ego on others? Everyone has their own ways of dealing with the students, in the end, you have to educate them and make them do their work…to learn..to acquire knowledge.

The past one year has taught me one thing, “We cannot earn respect by force”. But sadly, for some people, wisdom is something which never comes to them in their entire lives. Just last week, I was watching “Mona Lisa Smile” starring Julia Roberts, maybe for a zillionth time. But what a movie!! Now that I am at the other side of the table, I can relate to it more.

So..even though there are lot of “labels” here…! “too friendly” too open or whatever, I don’t care. And moreover, at the end of the day, I am happy being myself and the realization that with enough courage, you can do without a reputation.

So here it is… a fresh blog entry..and I hope to write more frequently now.

So the students, on their way to become architects, All the best !! J Cheers J

And even though, it is hectic…! I love it…for the time being J

Jumbled Reflections on Paper !!

10^th  December 2014

Ghaziabad

After one long semester of being a professor, I am finally home for vacations, yet I realize, this might be the longest period in 3 years that I would be living at my home. The December chills setting in, and the fresh aroma of filter coffee made by mother, this is what heaven feels like in all its beauty.

I realized how small and inanimate things do play an important role in our lives. I went upstairs into my room, and saw the discarded old file cabinet, handed over to me by dad who no longer needed it in his office. I looked at the room closely ….have some things changed ? I guess not.

The room , which has witnessed my aspirations and frustrations, and my sleepless and drunken nights , trying hard to make a good design submission, the room has seen my fights, has seen me cry in times of despair, yet it is the only thing which has remained silent all this time. I happened to see my dusty old drawings, old textbooks, and old notes which appear to be remarkably fresh, since 2005, when I started my architecture course.

Once filled with so many aspirations and dreams , it seems that the room has attained a certain state of calmness, just like me. It has seen me grow as a person from 2003 , when I was 16 to now, when I am 27.There were times when I would just sit on the terrace in front of it, wondering what to do next. And whether to go for Masters is a good choice or not. Yet today, when I realize, for me, it was the den from which the roars of my dreams originated.

It’s true that I miss home, miss being in my room all night long..staying awake. Though I still stay awake at nights, the reasons are arguably different now. So many persons who have been a part of this den are now loved and lost, and might never come back again.

Once painted and adorned with all my arts and graffiti, the walls of this are now a bare white or bluish, maybe mocking at how some things never grow old as humans do. The stained glass art, which I had drawn at the window, is faint, and has become lighter by the weather and the sun and rains.

The past three years have been wonderful, with travelling to numerous destinations, and numerous places. Roorkee, Auroville, Pondicherry, Germany and now Karnataka. Yet, what I miss the most is my colorful den, where a piece of my heart has attached itself to the dust on my old drawings and the yellowish tinge of the old papers.

Maybe its not the right time to be philosophical, but the urge to write was persuading me again and again, to revisit my old self, who is now perhaps hidden forever in that file cabinet, never to be revealed….!! It almost seems like the room is echoing Sylvia Plath’s lines to me:

“I am silver and exact, I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see, I swallow immediately

Unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful”

Is this what being 27 and a grown up adult should feel like ?

Jumbled Reflections !!

(1)Perched atop this infinite hour.
Impersonating an albatross..
Stubborn,adamant to lose myself..
Eternity seeks me till the end..
The pen consumed in writing verses
Aspires to have a new paper now
The pages when turned black
Ooze with whispers of withered leaves...
The words flames of the inside passion
Ignited during wee hours of the night...
Setting the brain on a never ending blaze...
To drain the lust of an impound desire...!!

(2)Wish i could sail into the Horizon....
Overlooking all Shackles and mundane things...
The freedom and rise to Eternity...
Beyond all Despairs...
Beyond all Hopes...
When i could be just "me"
And in that moment alone...
I shall be "Free" !!!!

(3)Love mixed with ounces of joy...
The color of butterflies...
The madness of Satan...
The Innocence of Seraphim...
If only it was as simple and delicious...
As a cup of Coffee...and a piece of Cake...
Insanity gives way to Freedom...
A serenity of Mind...
An Explosion of Verses...
A Palimpsest of mind...
If only it was easy To Saturate...
With the Blood Jet of Poetry...
And there's no stopping it...!!!!

(4)I drink to my sanity
and left behind the shadows...
Intoxication pushes me to higher horizons...
Let me Ignore the mundane things
I shall never care to turn back now...
Let me to the eternal sunshine....
As a Winner , I stand ALONE....!!

(5)In this hour,
As i raise a toast to my madness..
I am mortified..
My pride and my prudence have given way..
are lying wounded as the soul feebly cries..
In this hour..
As i drink the ardour of my mirth...
I am sanctified...
My insomniac nights grow in volumes...
In heaps and bounds the heart throbs..
And my madness lies dead in the shallow lagoons...
Look how silly this love-thing is..
It makes even a bitter heart melt..

Manipal Diaries (1)

7^th August, 2014

Manipal,Karnataka

Roorkee,Auroville,Pondicherry,Germany,Ghaziabad and now Karnataka. They were right when they said that life is a long journey, and in this long journey, the most difficult part is to make decisions. My mother has been a teacher for over 30 years now, still I never imagined that I would end up as a professor. “Professor” ..sounds good. The word has a certain respectful ring to it. Thesis time in IIT had been a drab, specially after coming back from Germany. It was during this whole process of earning a master’s degree that I grew fond of teaching.

Well, when I entered the classroom during my first lecture, I was damn nervous and damn excited as well. Not to mention, damn scared, for I was supposed to take Building Services. A subject in which I was least interested during my bachelors. Now, after whole 7 years, I had to actually sit and study for this subject. Which, in fact, was a mammoth task for me. Well, the first lecture was quite good. After the usual introductory conversations, I began my lecture. And soon, my throat started getting dry and tired. 

It was then when I realized that teaching is not at all easy.

To make lecture plans, time tables, schedules, and to convince students and to impart substantial amount of knowledge to them, is in fact, a great task.

I came here to discover the joy of teaching and ended up discovering knowledge…in altogether a new manner.Its a nice , beautiful campus with continuous rains …at times it gets irritating.

Its 9a.m when I usually begin my lectures, and at the beginning of every lecture, I am nervous, as well as excited. Its good to be at the other side of the table, and to see all those nervous and excited and naughty faces smiling to me.

But , in the beginning I made it very clear to my students that since I am taking this subject after almost 7 years, they need to help me more than I help them. Haha. At times, its good to accept one’s weaknesses.

What I like is at the end of each day, I gain something. Though at times one can be a target of some very impertinent remarks by students. Like…in my second lecture, I was interrupted by one student that I speak too fast and they are not able to understand anything.

Can’t help, after speaking on stage all in my school life, in elocutions, debates etc. 

But yeah, the interactions are good. Though I am living in a shabby faculty accommodation with four other people, yet, it’s a good feeling to be back to classroom.

I feel…as if this is the beginning of another Masters degree for me.

Only time can tell what happens next, if I am able to impress my students or I end up as an utter disaster. :-/

So…finally calling it a day… Good luck to me !!

Chiththi....!!

10^th June,2014

Jawahar Bhawan, IIT Roorkee

2.51 am

Death is inevitable they say, and we realize the loss of a dead one once we experience it. There I was, standing at that chaotic Haridwar bus stand, amidst of all the dust and heat, I was returning from a trip to Rishikesh with my juniors when I got a call from my mother that my “Chiththi” (Aunt) had expired in afternoon at 3.30 pm. Sleepless due to thesis work, and due to entertaining my juniors, I didn’t even had time to react as we had to catch the bus back to Roorkee. There are times when you simply cannot react and you don’t know how to react to a painful news.

Somehow I had this premonition since days, that this could happen any moment. It was a sense of Dejavu, mom calling me, and informing. And the worst part, I couldn’t even see her for the last time. My thesis keeping me occupied, and being away for 7 months in Germany.

I was right when I said that Germany took more than it gave me.

I met her before departing to Germany, she had become thin and frail in all these years due to numerous illnesses. Gastric problems, a fractured leg and finally Tuberculosis in the bone. My Chiththi and Chiththappa( Aunt and Uncle) have been a lonely and childless couple. At times, it is difficult to perceive what God wants for us. Being childless, they have a special soft corner for me and my elder sister. My elder sister used to stay at their home for days at stretch.

It became difficult to focus on my work that day. Mom told me not to come home and concentrate on work. Chiththappa went into a temporary shock and the last rites had to be performed by my Father. It’s a hateful feeling when you cannot be there for your family in difficult times.

I will always remember her as a lady who loved me and my elder sister greatly. When a person goes away, then you realize the affection you had for him or her. Only this time, I realized it quite late. Even when I was in Ghaziabad, and she used to call mom, she always told me to come and visit her. But I was too busy in other “important” jobs. This is life. Sometimes it punches you so hard in your face that it is impossible to gain back your smile. But perhaps one deserves it. In a way, she got rid of her suffering in her death. But the damage is done. The family has shrunk, and she will never be back again.

For the first time, I am scared of going home, seeing everyone’s faces, though I know they are very strong and won’t reflect their pain in front of me.

I just loved when my Chiththi and Chiththappa used to talk to each other, even though they had no child, they had a deep sense of understanding between them, which became very evident. Chiththappa had to take care of her during her last years, and he too has become thin and frail. Though the face smiles, the eyes say it all….!!

Even though you are not here now, you will be always etched in my memories, and it will always give me joy and pain at the same time to think of you, joy of all the childhood memories, and the pain of not being there with you in your last times.

I can only promise myself not to lose my mind and be strong in this crisis, with thesis submission just a week away, and many many sleepless nights to come….! Away from my family, stuck in this pathetic hostel…and a pathetic state of mind.

R.I.P. My dear Chiththi….!!

My verses are wordless now

And my paper is blank..

Yet I promise to keep it going…

And write another rhyme…!! 

Karlsruhe Diaries Chapter 7: Back home Part 2

30^th May,2014

Jawahar Bhawan, IIT Roorkee

9.15 pm

As I write this, I am almost one month away before my two year long vacation ends, whether it’s a happy or a sad ending, only time will tell. But as Sylvia Plath says

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and everything is born again”

As I write this, I am bored, of an empty room, and Ms Word -_- , which irritates me to a great extent. Asking a poet to write an analytical report is like asking a Japanese to speak Tamil, both the attempts will be meekly successful, however thanks to Mrs. Sampson and Mrs. Shukrey( My English literature teachers in school), my vocabulary helped me in publishing two papers recently.

The past two years have been a mix of extremes, extreme joy, drunken nights, weed… huge amounts of irritating paperwork and cups of tea, shared cigarettes, empty pockets and an empty wallet. I have been to places, yes, literally and in my dreams, Auroville…Germany…and now back to Ghaziabad and Roorkee. Albeit the mental peace and calm of Germany is missing, there is a certain contentment when you accept the facts of life, as they are. One fact being still jobless after being a masters from an IIT, however, I say IITs are a little much over hyped.

In Germany I learnt how to live alone, how to cook, how to be strong when everyone around is speaking German and you don’t understand a word…Culture shock…literally….!! I have spent cold, wintery nights outside railway stations, sleeping in a café, only to find my phone being stolen the next morning. So far, there have been amazing moments and tales to tell.

But now, there is a strange fear, fear of the outer world, when finally the student life ends, everyone will move on….friends with whom you spend almost 15 hours of your day might never be seen again, and this sucks, literally. So is the feeling when your best friends ignore you after you come back being away and all alone for 7 months. But I have no regrets, no one to blame. For I learned, how to be fake and strong. How to be a nerd and yet trying to fit in with the usual crowd. The mind becomes a palimpsest in such situations, over which layers and layers of thought and reverie has been inscribed and yet the heart remains motionless to convey others what one feels.

Quite often, it’s foolish to expect a moral support from your peers and friends, when all you know is the bitter truth that life is never going to be same again. As they always say “Life is not a bed of roses”. This is brutally true in this professional world, and the sooner one accepts the truth, the better.

Somehow, all the life of Germany, the casual summery days of Auroville, seem like a distant dream lived and achieved now. The only things existing around me nowadays are cigarettes, empty cups of tea and a closed room where nobody enters.

“If only I could ignore, hate and pride and fear,

If only I can keep myself strong….!!”

However, there is a certainty that the coming times will be for eventual betterment of the soul, and it might be God’s another plan to give a surprise after huge shocks. When someone chats with me nowadays, I am brutally sarcastic and I reply to him or her “ I am undergoing a emotional, physical, mental and financial crisis, wanna help ??” .

And the person goes offline…!! Rofl…!!

Anger at times is good and at times it consumes a part of your heart, and makes it bitter. But the poetic blood in me keeps me strong and gives me strength to vent my anger through words.

“ The blood jet is poetry, there is no stopping it…!!”

And there will be no stopping it…!! For the time being…. Maybe I had a premonition of what is coming through when I wrote this:

I am devoid of the worldly dreams;

Of colors red and bright

Of promises like shattered glass

Of the moonlit filled night...

I am devoid of the love...

And its vaccum of pain...

An emotion was so pure..

It sickens and dies...

Trapped in my Poetic world..

The cage closes around my eyes..

I am nocturnal and devoid of slumber..

and its honey heavy dew...

No more chats to be remembered..

No more flickering laughter...

Choking pain has devored the joy..

The beginning of another slaughter..

I am devoid of the lunatic madness..

Immersing myself in "My world"

No papers to write upon..

No ink to stain those whites..

Utterly empty and disguised...

Under a secret cloak it lies...

I am devoid of the cheerful pastels...

That stain my clothes and yet are colorless...

The eerie sounds of the dark

The battling spirits engulf the diaphragm and choke...

Two rubber bags pumping in and out..

Four chambered device that once spoke...

I am devoid of the trivial joys...

The buzzing of the night..the shriek of the howlet...

MY WORLD takes me in...i am complete now...

Sinking into the tiny eye of the cyclone...

Swallowing me in ..arbitrarily...

The eyes that shone..now dimmed and gone...

I am devoid of the worldly dreams..

Of colors red and bright

of promises like shattered glass

Of the moonlit filled night...

I am devoid of the love...

And its vaccum of pain...

I am nocturnal and devoid of slumber..

and its honey heavy dew...

I am devoid of the lunatic madness..

Immersing myself in "My world"