Jumbled Reflections on Paper !!

10^th  December 2014

Ghaziabad

After one long semester of being a professor, I am finally home for vacations, yet I realize, this might be the longest period in 3 years that I would be living at my home. The December chills setting in, and the fresh aroma of filter coffee made by mother, this is what heaven feels like in all its beauty.

I realized how small and inanimate things do play an important role in our lives. I went upstairs into my room, and saw the discarded old file cabinet, handed over to me by dad who no longer needed it in his office. I looked at the room closely ….have some things changed ? I guess not.

The room , which has witnessed my aspirations and frustrations, and my sleepless and drunken nights , trying hard to make a good design submission, the room has seen my fights, has seen me cry in times of despair, yet it is the only thing which has remained silent all this time. I happened to see my dusty old drawings, old textbooks, and old notes which appear to be remarkably fresh, since 2005, when I started my architecture course.

Once filled with so many aspirations and dreams , it seems that the room has attained a certain state of calmness, just like me. It has seen me grow as a person from 2003 , when I was 16 to now, when I am 27.There were times when I would just sit on the terrace in front of it, wondering what to do next. And whether to go for Masters is a good choice or not. Yet today, when I realize, for me, it was the den from which the roars of my dreams originated.

It’s true that I miss home, miss being in my room all night long..staying awake. Though I still stay awake at nights, the reasons are arguably different now. So many persons who have been a part of this den are now loved and lost, and might never come back again.

Once painted and adorned with all my arts and graffiti, the walls of this are now a bare white or bluish, maybe mocking at how some things never grow old as humans do. The stained glass art, which I had drawn at the window, is faint, and has become lighter by the weather and the sun and rains.

The past three years have been wonderful, with travelling to numerous destinations, and numerous places. Roorkee, Auroville, Pondicherry, Germany and now Karnataka. Yet, what I miss the most is my colorful den, where a piece of my heart has attached itself to the dust on my old drawings and the yellowish tinge of the old papers.

Maybe its not the right time to be philosophical, but the urge to write was persuading me again and again, to revisit my old self, who is now perhaps hidden forever in that file cabinet, never to be revealed….!! It almost seems like the room is echoing Sylvia Plath’s lines to me:

“I am silver and exact, I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see, I swallow immediately

Unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful”

Is this what being 27 and a grown up adult should feel like ?

Jumbled Reflections !!

(1)Perched atop this infinite hour.
Impersonating an albatross..
Stubborn,adamant to lose myself..
Eternity seeks me till the end..
The pen consumed in writing verses
Aspires to have a new paper now
The pages when turned black
Ooze with whispers of withered leaves...
The words flames of the inside passion
Ignited during wee hours of the night...
Setting the brain on a never ending blaze...
To drain the lust of an impound desire...!!

(2)Wish i could sail into the Horizon....
Overlooking all Shackles and mundane things...
The freedom and rise to Eternity...
Beyond all Despairs...
Beyond all Hopes...
When i could be just "me"
And in that moment alone...
I shall be "Free" !!!!

(3)Love mixed with ounces of joy...
The color of butterflies...
The madness of Satan...
The Innocence of Seraphim...
If only it was as simple and delicious...
As a cup of Coffee...and a piece of Cake...
Insanity gives way to Freedom...
A serenity of Mind...
An Explosion of Verses...
A Palimpsest of mind...
If only it was easy To Saturate...
With the Blood Jet of Poetry...
And there's no stopping it...!!!!

(4)I drink to my sanity
and left behind the shadows...
Intoxication pushes me to higher horizons...
Let me Ignore the mundane things
I shall never care to turn back now...
Let me to the eternal sunshine....
As a Winner , I stand ALONE....!!

(5)In this hour,
As i raise a toast to my madness..
I am mortified..
My pride and my prudence have given way..
are lying wounded as the soul feebly cries..
In this hour..
As i drink the ardour of my mirth...
I am sanctified...
My insomniac nights grow in volumes...
In heaps and bounds the heart throbs..
And my madness lies dead in the shallow lagoons...
Look how silly this love-thing is..
It makes even a bitter heart melt..

Manipal Diaries (1)

7^th August, 2014

Manipal,Karnataka

Roorkee,Auroville,Pondicherry,Germany,Ghaziabad and now Karnataka. They were right when they said that life is a long journey, and in this long journey, the most difficult part is to make decisions. My mother has been a teacher for over 30 years now, still I never imagined that I would end up as a professor. “Professor” ..sounds good. The word has a certain respectful ring to it. Thesis time in IIT had been a drab, specially after coming back from Germany. It was during this whole process of earning a master’s degree that I grew fond of teaching.

Well, when I entered the classroom during my first lecture, I was damn nervous and damn excited as well. Not to mention, damn scared, for I was supposed to take Building Services. A subject in which I was least interested during my bachelors. Now, after whole 7 years, I had to actually sit and study for this subject. Which, in fact, was a mammoth task for me. Well, the first lecture was quite good. After the usual introductory conversations, I began my lecture. And soon, my throat started getting dry and tired. 

It was then when I realized that teaching is not at all easy.

To make lecture plans, time tables, schedules, and to convince students and to impart substantial amount of knowledge to them, is in fact, a great task.

I came here to discover the joy of teaching and ended up discovering knowledge…in altogether a new manner.Its a nice , beautiful campus with continuous rains …at times it gets irritating.

Its 9a.m when I usually begin my lectures, and at the beginning of every lecture, I am nervous, as well as excited. Its good to be at the other side of the table, and to see all those nervous and excited and naughty faces smiling to me.

But , in the beginning I made it very clear to my students that since I am taking this subject after almost 7 years, they need to help me more than I help them. Haha. At times, its good to accept one’s weaknesses.

What I like is at the end of each day, I gain something. Though at times one can be a target of some very impertinent remarks by students. Like…in my second lecture, I was interrupted by one student that I speak too fast and they are not able to understand anything.

Can’t help, after speaking on stage all in my school life, in elocutions, debates etc. 

But yeah, the interactions are good. Though I am living in a shabby faculty accommodation with four other people, yet, it’s a good feeling to be back to classroom.

I feel…as if this is the beginning of another Masters degree for me.

Only time can tell what happens next, if I am able to impress my students or I end up as an utter disaster. :-/

So…finally calling it a day… Good luck to me !!

Chiththi....!!

10^th June,2014

Jawahar Bhawan, IIT Roorkee

2.51 am

Death is inevitable they say, and we realize the loss of a dead one once we experience it. There I was, standing at that chaotic Haridwar bus stand, amidst of all the dust and heat, I was returning from a trip to Rishikesh with my juniors when I got a call from my mother that my “Chiththi” (Aunt) had expired in afternoon at 3.30 pm. Sleepless due to thesis work, and due to entertaining my juniors, I didn’t even had time to react as we had to catch the bus back to Roorkee. There are times when you simply cannot react and you don’t know how to react to a painful news.

Somehow I had this premonition since days, that this could happen any moment. It was a sense of Dejavu, mom calling me, and informing. And the worst part, I couldn’t even see her for the last time. My thesis keeping me occupied, and being away for 7 months in Germany.

I was right when I said that Germany took more than it gave me.

I met her before departing to Germany, she had become thin and frail in all these years due to numerous illnesses. Gastric problems, a fractured leg and finally Tuberculosis in the bone. My Chiththi and Chiththappa( Aunt and Uncle) have been a lonely and childless couple. At times, it is difficult to perceive what God wants for us. Being childless, they have a special soft corner for me and my elder sister. My elder sister used to stay at their home for days at stretch.

It became difficult to focus on my work that day. Mom told me not to come home and concentrate on work. Chiththappa went into a temporary shock and the last rites had to be performed by my Father. It’s a hateful feeling when you cannot be there for your family in difficult times.

I will always remember her as a lady who loved me and my elder sister greatly. When a person goes away, then you realize the affection you had for him or her. Only this time, I realized it quite late. Even when I was in Ghaziabad, and she used to call mom, she always told me to come and visit her. But I was too busy in other “important” jobs. This is life. Sometimes it punches you so hard in your face that it is impossible to gain back your smile. But perhaps one deserves it. In a way, she got rid of her suffering in her death. But the damage is done. The family has shrunk, and she will never be back again.

For the first time, I am scared of going home, seeing everyone’s faces, though I know they are very strong and won’t reflect their pain in front of me.

I just loved when my Chiththi and Chiththappa used to talk to each other, even though they had no child, they had a deep sense of understanding between them, which became very evident. Chiththappa had to take care of her during her last years, and he too has become thin and frail. Though the face smiles, the eyes say it all….!!

Even though you are not here now, you will be always etched in my memories, and it will always give me joy and pain at the same time to think of you, joy of all the childhood memories, and the pain of not being there with you in your last times.

I can only promise myself not to lose my mind and be strong in this crisis, with thesis submission just a week away, and many many sleepless nights to come….! Away from my family, stuck in this pathetic hostel…and a pathetic state of mind.

R.I.P. My dear Chiththi….!!

My verses are wordless now

And my paper is blank..

Yet I promise to keep it going…

And write another rhyme…!! 

Karlsruhe Diaries Chapter 7: Back home Part 2

30^th May,2014

Jawahar Bhawan, IIT Roorkee

9.15 pm

As I write this, I am almost one month away before my two year long vacation ends, whether it’s a happy or a sad ending, only time will tell. But as Sylvia Plath says

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and everything is born again”

As I write this, I am bored, of an empty room, and Ms Word -_- , which irritates me to a great extent. Asking a poet to write an analytical report is like asking a Japanese to speak Tamil, both the attempts will be meekly successful, however thanks to Mrs. Sampson and Mrs. Shukrey( My English literature teachers in school), my vocabulary helped me in publishing two papers recently.

The past two years have been a mix of extremes, extreme joy, drunken nights, weed… huge amounts of irritating paperwork and cups of tea, shared cigarettes, empty pockets and an empty wallet. I have been to places, yes, literally and in my dreams, Auroville…Germany…and now back to Ghaziabad and Roorkee. Albeit the mental peace and calm of Germany is missing, there is a certain contentment when you accept the facts of life, as they are. One fact being still jobless after being a masters from an IIT, however, I say IITs are a little much over hyped.

In Germany I learnt how to live alone, how to cook, how to be strong when everyone around is speaking German and you don’t understand a word…Culture shock…literally….!! I have spent cold, wintery nights outside railway stations, sleeping in a café, only to find my phone being stolen the next morning. So far, there have been amazing moments and tales to tell.

But now, there is a strange fear, fear of the outer world, when finally the student life ends, everyone will move on….friends with whom you spend almost 15 hours of your day might never be seen again, and this sucks, literally. So is the feeling when your best friends ignore you after you come back being away and all alone for 7 months. But I have no regrets, no one to blame. For I learned, how to be fake and strong. How to be a nerd and yet trying to fit in with the usual crowd. The mind becomes a palimpsest in such situations, over which layers and layers of thought and reverie has been inscribed and yet the heart remains motionless to convey others what one feels.

Quite often, it’s foolish to expect a moral support from your peers and friends, when all you know is the bitter truth that life is never going to be same again. As they always say “Life is not a bed of roses”. This is brutally true in this professional world, and the sooner one accepts the truth, the better.

Somehow, all the life of Germany, the casual summery days of Auroville, seem like a distant dream lived and achieved now. The only things existing around me nowadays are cigarettes, empty cups of tea and a closed room where nobody enters.

“If only I could ignore, hate and pride and fear,

If only I can keep myself strong….!!”

However, there is a certainty that the coming times will be for eventual betterment of the soul, and it might be God’s another plan to give a surprise after huge shocks. When someone chats with me nowadays, I am brutally sarcastic and I reply to him or her “ I am undergoing a emotional, physical, mental and financial crisis, wanna help ??” .

And the person goes offline…!! Rofl…!!

Anger at times is good and at times it consumes a part of your heart, and makes it bitter. But the poetic blood in me keeps me strong and gives me strength to vent my anger through words.

“ The blood jet is poetry, there is no stopping it…!!”

And there will be no stopping it…!! For the time being…. Maybe I had a premonition of what is coming through when I wrote this:

I am devoid of the worldly dreams;

Of colors red and bright

Of promises like shattered glass

Of the moonlit filled night...

I am devoid of the love...

And its vaccum of pain...

An emotion was so pure..

It sickens and dies...

Trapped in my Poetic world..

The cage closes around my eyes..

I am nocturnal and devoid of slumber..

and its honey heavy dew...

No more chats to be remembered..

No more flickering laughter...

Choking pain has devored the joy..

The beginning of another slaughter..

I am devoid of the lunatic madness..

Immersing myself in "My world"

No papers to write upon..

No ink to stain those whites..

Utterly empty and disguised...

Under a secret cloak it lies...

I am devoid of the cheerful pastels...

That stain my clothes and yet are colorless...

The eerie sounds of the dark

The battling spirits engulf the diaphragm and choke...

Two rubber bags pumping in and out..

Four chambered device that once spoke...

I am devoid of the trivial joys...

The buzzing of the night..the shriek of the howlet...

MY WORLD takes me in...i am complete now...

Sinking into the tiny eye of the cyclone...

Swallowing me in ..arbitrarily...

The eyes that shone..now dimmed and gone...

I am devoid of the worldly dreams..

Of colors red and bright

of promises like shattered glass

Of the moonlit filled night...

I am devoid of the love...

And its vaccum of pain...

I am nocturnal and devoid of slumber..

and its honey heavy dew...

I am devoid of the lunatic madness..

Immersing myself in "My world"

From Ghaziabad to Germany Chapter 1

We came back from our office trip to Mukhteshwar quite late in the night, and the next day, we, being a group of rebellious 20 somethings, decided to bunk the office the next day,for which we faced the consequences.

The Boss a.k.a our team leader: “Why were you absent yesterday?” Then the usual reply of “Sir, meri tabiyat kharaab thi” followed …and then he said “Okay ,you can have a permanent leave then. Vineet, tell him to get lost and get all his paperwork done by the evening.”

I stood astounded, shocked and surprised, not that anything new was happening, I had always faced problems in my corporate life. But this was new, being thrown out of the office just when I had bunked the office with another 5 people.

Well, nothing happened of course, because this was just another temporary mood outburst of our team leader Mr.Sachin Madan, who was as broad as he was tall, and who looked like a typical “daftar waale babuji” to me.

But this insult only pushed me one step forward in achieving my goal for the time being. To get into masters, to live my life again as a student. I had cleared GATE examination two years in a row, but always hesitated to get back to college due to financial hustles, but this made me more determinant, when I remembered my life of 2 years , in and out of offices, insulted, sleep deprived, fighting migraines, not to forget the tiresome 2 and a half hours commuting time to Okhla all the way from the Ghaziabad core.

In the meanwhile, I started with my application process for various colleges. I had been very punctual and had hardly taken any leaves from office, so I got the required leaves easily when I had to appear for an interview for the admission process.

I did not make it to School of Planning and Architecture,New Delhi and I didn’t make it to IIT Roorkee’s first counseling either, which shattered my dreams and I accepted my fate, not until I decided to give it a last shot and appeared for the final on the spot counseling at Roorkee, for which I took a 3 day leave which actually turned into a permanent one.

I went for the counseling with a final hope and I got in, which relieved me in an instant, and I was there , at my new abode, ready to embrace a new world.

If the boss can throw you out in a moment, you can very well throw out your so called “office” from your life in less than a moment.As soon as I got in and was packing my things to start on my new endeavor, I decided to write a resignation letter to my so called “Boss”.

Respected Sir,

Sub: Resignation from the post of Architect

This is to inform you with great regret and humble respect that owing to my immediate circumstances, I have to resign from my services to your company with immediate effect. The reason for my resignation is for academic purpose as I have been offered a seat for Masters Programme in Indian Institute of Technology, Roorkee and I am required to join the course immediately as the academic session has already started.

Due to lack of time, I am unable to give a notice period prior to my resignation, and moreover, I came to know about my admission just 2 days ago. I am extremely sorry for the same, but at present, and for my betterment, I need to be relieved from office as soon as possible.

I request you for the completion of all the required formalities/procedures soon and I hope that you

understand my situation and relieve me with immediate effect.

That entire urge to actually slap my boss finally came true…although virtually, with this resignation letter, in a matter of 2 days, my life had taken 180 degrees turn.

And now it was time to look forward.

Look forward to Hope and a little Sugar…!! 

Karlsruhe Diaries Chapter 6: Back to Home !!

15^th April,2014

1:41 am

Roorkee

They say that the best feeling is when you return to the place where you belong…call it a Germany hangover or returning to home after 7 months or leaving my home just within a week again to join back IIT Roorkee, but its not a good feeling…! It’s like a partial amnesia, as if I was always here. Among these people, yet I can feel no sense of belonging or nostalgia during my last days here…!!

Perhaps people have changed, or perhaps I have changed…!or perhaps it’s the frustration which results from a bad thesis review or the bloody IIT process of writing too many applications. All the people around are either too busy drinking or smoking “weed”…and perhaps I am the one who is already too high….that I crave for a partner just for a long walk…! :-/

Or Maybe I am too tired after my review on weekend….and living life as a refugee in my friends room…but how can people spend an entire day locked in a smoke filled room…and it’s so difficult to make certain people understand the value of privacy, when pestered by Questions like Where are you going? Whom are you going to meet?? And blah blah blah…!!

I thought I would be happy to see all the people in roorkee…!but I am missing home more than anything else right now and want my own space where I can hide myself just for a few days…away from the scrutiny of the curious.

It’s a terrifying feeling when you realize that your two year vacation is about to end, and you have to be back into the real world…! Which is horrific…in many terms…

I realized after coming back…did the people whom I call my best friends here actually miss me when I was away for 7 months ?For it was me who used to call them from Germany…it was me who used to ping them on facebook chats…!! I know some of these things might be kiddish…but these things do matter…!

The brain right now is fucked up, and the heart too…! The sense of having a friend ..a buddy…is lost now..! and the icing on the cake…The Thesis, which never ends.

I guess I might feel better after a cup of tea, but there are sometimes when even a hot cup of tea is not enough to drain away your frustration, especially if you are not a frequent drinker..! I wished I get back my love for hard liquor or weed(for which I never had any love, but I hated it).

And I wish the old friends realize that their friend is actually back…! I haven’t changed, the campus still looks the same, I still roam in my kurta-jeans and chappals, and I still have the same cup of tea-biscuit when I go to canteen at odd hours, What then is missing ?