February Morning

"And here you come, with a cup of tea
Wreathed in steam.
The blood jet is poetry,
There is no stopping it." 

A cup of tea and some biscuits are true friends in this (at times) pretentious world of research. One year in Japan is coming to a close and sometimes i can't believe how far i have come when i look back. 
Numerous towns, cities, countries, friends, cultures, talents and books. Yet, sometimes there is an overwhelming exhaustion which takes over, when i don't wish to get out of my blanket for days. True, i should be proud of what i am doing, interested as well, but there are times when there is hardly a person around to speak, the actual human contact. Not that i am complaining about it, love this solitude. As a good friend has told me "Solitude will slowly ignite the fire within you". 
And it's true, Solitude shall ignite the fire. A Phd was never going to be easy, but it's not gonna be insurmountable either.But what irritates me is the sheer amount of pretentiousness that lies in this world. A simple sentence, twisted and turned by the help of Thesaurus and Dictionaries into something entirely incomprehensible for a normal human mind. Perhaps the reason, why research papers have a limited outreach. 

I do fear the future, about the fact that my parents are growing older, and not any younger, and the job prospects after Phd. And about the fact that i will be almost 34 when i finish my Doctorate. Not old by conventional standards, but conventionally not young, either. 

People do ask me: "Don't you want to settle down" ? And i pondered, does anyone really settle down in life ? Monotonous nature of domestic life has always been a boring prospect for me. And yet, inside i yearn for something more permanent. But that permanency may soon become stagnant, which is another rational fear. 

Somehow the choices which i have made, are so unconventional for some people around me. How can you study so much ? You are doing Phd now ? I am like: As if academicians have any other choice but to further their career prospects by going for a Doctorate, when the entire academic world is dominated by people who are clearly not fit for their jobs. 

As a true Indian, i miss being back at home, drinking tea at local "Tapri" and "addas", and the hustle bustle and randomness of Indian towns, but a part of me does not want to go back to India as well. That brings me to another thought: Do i truly belong to any one place ? When someone has lived in so many places, and worked in so many cities, how can one say where one's heart truly belongs ? I feel alienated when i am back home, and alienated here as well. 

More than anything, i miss my singing, the Carnatic Raagas and melodies, what with all the valid but frustrating noise rules over here, and with the apartment walls so thin that i swear i could hear my neighbor snoring in his sleep at times. 

And like a true millenial, i crib about the things which might be irrelevant for many people, but in the end, will it all turn out to be "worth it" ? 

Only time can tell ! 
Meanwhile, Chai and Sutta awaits me.