10th June,2014
Jawahar Bhawan, IIT
Roorkee
2.51 am
Death
is inevitable they say, and we realize the loss of a dead one once we
experience it. There I was, standing at that chaotic Haridwar bus stand, amidst
of all the dust and heat, I was returning from a trip to Rishikesh with my
juniors when I got a call from my mother that my “Chiththi” (Aunt) had expired
in afternoon at 3.30 pm. Sleepless due to thesis work, and due to entertaining
my juniors, I didn’t even had time to react as we had to catch the bus back to
Roorkee. There are times when you simply cannot react and you don’t know how to
react to a painful news.
Somehow
I had this premonition since days, that this could happen any moment. It was a
sense of Dejavu, mom calling me, and informing. And the worst part, I couldn’t
even see her for the last time. My thesis keeping me occupied, and being away
for 7 months in Germany.
I
was right when I said that Germany took more than it gave me.
I
met her before departing to Germany, she had become thin and frail in all these
years due to numerous illnesses. Gastric problems, a fractured leg and finally
Tuberculosis in the bone. My Chiththi and Chiththappa( Aunt and Uncle) have
been a lonely and childless couple. At times, it is difficult to perceive what
God wants for us. Being childless, they have a special soft corner for me and
my elder sister. My elder sister used to stay at their home for days at
stretch.
It
became difficult to focus on my work that day. Mom told me not to come home and
concentrate on work. Chiththappa went into a temporary shock and the last rites
had to be performed by my Father. It’s a hateful feeling when you cannot be
there for your family in difficult times.
I
will always remember her as a lady who loved me and my elder sister greatly. When
a person goes away, then you realize the affection you had for him or her. Only
this time, I realized it quite late. Even when I was in Ghaziabad, and she used
to call mom, she always told me to come and visit her. But I was too busy in
other “important” jobs. This is life. Sometimes it punches you so hard in your
face that it is impossible to gain back your smile. But perhaps one deserves
it. In a way, she got rid of her suffering in her death. But the damage is
done. The family has shrunk, and she will never be back again.
For
the first time, I am scared of going home, seeing everyone’s faces, though I know
they are very strong and won’t reflect their pain in front of me.
I
just loved when my Chiththi and Chiththappa used to talk to each other, even
though they had no child, they had a deep sense of understanding between them,
which became very evident. Chiththappa had to take care of her during her last
years, and he too has become thin and frail. Though the face smiles, the eyes
say it all….!!
Even
though you are not here now, you will be always etched in my memories, and it
will always give me joy and pain at the same time to think of you, joy of all
the childhood memories, and the pain of not being there with you in your last
times.
I
can only promise myself not to lose my mind and be strong in this crisis, with
thesis submission just a week away, and many many sleepless nights to come….!
Away from my family, stuck in this pathetic hostel…and a pathetic state of
mind.
R.I.P.
My dear Chiththi….!!
My
verses are wordless now
And
my paper is blank..
Yet
I promise to keep it going…
And
write another rhyme…!!
