My Experiments with lies.: May 2014

30^th May,2014

Jawahar Bhawan, IIT Roorkee

9.15 pm

As I write this, I am almost one month away before my two year long vacation ends, whether it’s a happy or a sad ending, only time will tell. But as Sylvia Plath says

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead,

I lift my lids and everything is born again”

As I write this, I am bored, of an empty room, and Ms Word -_- , which irritates me to a great extent. Asking a poet to write an analytical report is like asking a Japanese to speak Tamil, both the attempts will be meekly successful, however thanks to Mrs. Sampson and Mrs. Shukrey( My English literature teachers in school), my vocabulary helped me in publishing two papers recently.

The past two years have been a mix of extremes, extreme joy, drunken nights, weed… huge amounts of irritating paperwork and cups of tea, shared cigarettes, empty pockets and an empty wallet. I have been to places, yes, literally and in my dreams, Auroville…Germany…and now back to Ghaziabad and Roorkee. Albeit the mental peace and calm of Germany is missing, there is a certain contentment when you accept the facts of life, as they are. One fact being still jobless after being a masters from an IIT, however, I say IITs are a little much over hyped.

In Germany I learnt how to live alone, how to cook, how to be strong when everyone around is speaking German and you don’t understand a word…Culture shock…literally….!! I have spent cold, wintery nights outside railway stations, sleeping in a café, only to find my phone being stolen the next morning. So far, there have been amazing moments and tales to tell.

But now, there is a strange fear, fear of the outer world, when finally the student life ends, everyone will move on….friends with whom you spend almost 15 hours of your day might never be seen again, and this sucks, literally. So is the feeling when your best friends ignore you after you come back being away and all alone for 7 months. But I have no regrets, no one to blame. For I learned, how to be fake and strong. How to be a nerd and yet trying to fit in with the usual crowd. The mind becomes a palimpsest in such situations, over which layers and layers of thought and reverie has been inscribed and yet the heart remains motionless to convey others what one feels.

Quite often, it’s foolish to expect a moral support from your peers and friends, when all you know is the bitter truth that life is never going to be same again. As they always say “Life is not a bed of roses”. This is brutally true in this professional world, and the sooner one accepts the truth, the better.

Somehow, all the life of Germany, the casual summery days of Auroville, seem like a distant dream lived and achieved now. The only things existing around me nowadays are cigarettes, empty cups of tea and a closed room where nobody enters.

“If only I could ignore, hate and pride and fear,

If only I can keep myself strong….!!”

However, there is a certainty that the coming times will be for eventual betterment of the soul, and it might be God’s another plan to give a surprise after huge shocks. When someone chats with me nowadays, I am brutally sarcastic and I reply to him or her “ I am undergoing a emotional, physical, mental and financial crisis, wanna help ??” .

And the person goes offline…!! Rofl…!!

Anger at times is good and at times it consumes a part of your heart, and makes it bitter. But the poetic blood in me keeps me strong and gives me strength to vent my anger through words.

“ The blood jet is poetry, there is no stopping it…!!”

And there will be no stopping it…!! For the time being…. Maybe I had a premonition of what is coming through when I wrote this:

I am devoid of the worldly dreams;

Of colors red and bright

Of promises like shattered glass

Of the moonlit filled night...

I am devoid of the love...

And its vaccum of pain...

An emotion was so pure..

It sickens and dies...

Trapped in my Poetic world..

The cage closes around my eyes..

I am nocturnal and devoid of slumber..

and its honey heavy dew...

No more chats to be remembered..

No more flickering laughter...

Choking pain has devored the joy..

The beginning of another slaughter..

I am devoid of the lunatic madness..

Immersing myself in "My world"

No papers to write upon..

No ink to stain those whites..

Utterly empty and disguised...

Under a secret cloak it lies...

I am devoid of the cheerful pastels...

That stain my clothes and yet are colorless...

The eerie sounds of the dark

The battling spirits engulf the diaphragm and choke...

Two rubber bags pumping in and out..

Four chambered device that once spoke...

I am devoid of the trivial joys...

The buzzing of the night..the shriek of the howlet...

MY WORLD takes me in...i am complete now...

Sinking into the tiny eye of the cyclone...

Swallowing me in ..arbitrarily...

The eyes that shone..now dimmed and gone...

I am devoid of the worldly dreams..

Of colors red and bright

of promises like shattered glass